God is in control

As I read my posts from the past two years, I’m seeing how faithful God is.  He uses my words to speak to me, because I was talking about God.  How amazing is that, that He would use my unworthy words to communicate a truth about Himself?  The things that I wrote back then were probably written with some sort of pride, but as I read them now, all I see is the truth of God’s character.

Though my immediate future is uncertain, and I am so unwilling to make decisions, God is still in control.  I don’t want to think about how badly I want to get into medical school because I’m afraid I might go crazy.  I don’t want to think about what I would do if I don’t get in because again, I might go crazy.  But mostly, I don’t believe that God is in control and I’m lazy.  But He is faithful and He is in control.  If He can take a pompous, self-righteous, sinful kid and teach him, discipline him, and change him, then He can surely continue to be in control of my future.  

I’ve been saying how important it is to pray.  Ironically, it’s during these hard times that I find it so hard to pray.  I feel like “what’s the point?  God obviously can’t hear me because my prayers aren’t being answered”.  But God isn’t concerned with answering my prayers, but rather with transforming me to be more like Himself.  How self-centered I am.  But even in all these things, God is in control.  I’m seeing more and more that it’s not about what I do, but it’s about God changing, molding, shaping me.  

God is in control. 

Powerless

I’m not used to feeling this way.  I’m used to feeling like I have everything under my control.  I’m used to gripping the steering wheel of my car with one hand, and rest my other on the gear shift of my life.  But now, I feel powerless.  I can’t do anything but fantasize about using a stupid sport to completely humiliate someone, but even I know that’s not probable.  I can’t do anything but pray because I can’t change someone’s heart.  I can’t do anything but pray because my heart needs to be changed. 

I feel alone, and insecure.  I feel like the 7th grade all over again.  How did I get here?  But I must believe that in my weakness, God will show His strength.  I desperately want to cling to this truth, but all I want to do is lash out, resort to my past methods of dulling my senses and trying to artificially and symbolically get control over my life again.  

My heart’s song

What can i do with my obsession
With the things i cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You’re further than the moon
Sometimes You’re closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You’ve come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns…for You

And i’m so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
You know i’m stubborn, Lord, and i’m longing to be close
You burn me deeper than i know
And i feel lonely without hope
And i feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

my love burns for You
and my heart feels for You
my life good for You
all i have burns for you you
burns, burns, oh la la la la la la
my love burns for You
and my heart burns for You
you for you for you.

Broken Jars for the King

When I look back on my life, I see a lot of brokenness: broken relationships, broken situations, broken promises, broken trust, broken respect, etc.  And when I see all of that, I get discouraged.  How can God use a person like me, so broken and cracked, to fulfill His purpose?  I keep thinking to myself “if only you hadn’t done that”, or “if only you had chosen this”.  Every time a broken situation pops into my head, all I want to do is hide under a rock.

Pastor Min once told a story of a woman with two jars.  One had cracks in them, but one didn’t.  She carried these jars to get water every day.  On the way back, the cracked jar would leak out water so by the time she got home, it was only half full.  The uncracked jar said to the cracked jar “You can’t even fulfill your purpose! You’re useless!”.  The cracked jar became sad.  But the woman said to the cracked jar “Look on your side of the road.  I knew about your cracks so I planted flower seed on your side of the road.  There are flowers growing there because of the water you leak out, which I can pick to put on my dinner table at home.” 

This is not only a message of hope, but a statement of truth.  If the Holy Spirit is living in us, then how can He not work?  He is God, the creator of the heavens and the earth.  Everything that we have gone through is to prepare use for this moment we are facing right now.  Every wrong path, every committed sin, every broken relationship, has shaped and molded us to be the people we are today for God’s purpose.  And that’s how God is sovereign in EVERYTHING.  Despite our wrong and rebellious choices, God still works through them to bring glory and honor to Himself.  So in the end, it’s not about us, it’s about Him.  It’s about His glory, His honor, His praise.  We are mere spectators in this grand opus that God is orchestrating.

In Judges, God told Gideon to go defeat the Midianites with trumpets and jars.  He told Gideon to break the jars, expose the torch inside, and blow the trumpets so that their enemies will be handed over to them.  The jars had to be broken in order for God’s light to shine through and for His people to return to Him.  May we be broken jars for the King, that our cracks would bring His people back to Him again. 

Testing the Spirits

This week’s Bible study was on Testing the Spirits, based off of 1 John 3:23-4:6.  It’s about how we must be careful of all the influences around us: media, friends, school, parents, etc., and see if they are from the Spirit of Truth or spirit of falsehood.  But it also indicates that we are spiritual beings, capable of influencing others. 

One thing that I’ve been learning through college and CFC is that one of your actions can influence someone in a great way.  You may not be influenced by that action if you were in their shoes, but everyone’s different right?  For you, watching a certain show that shows too much ankle may not perturb you, but someone may feel uncomfortable watching that show.  Seeing you watch that show may lead them astray, especially if you’re a leader of some sort. 

Being a small group co-servant this past summer and semester has been challenging but full of growth.  I am challenged in look at my life not just through my eyes, but through other people’s eyes.  Yeah, you might say “who cares what other people think of you”.  But if you truly loved God, you would see that every action you do affects other people.  And if you truly obeyed the greatest commandments: 1) Love God and 2) Love people, then you would care what others thought of what you did.  If what you are doing does not 1) bring glory to God or 2) help you love people, then what’s the point of doing it?  Another thing that I’ve been trying to grow in is knowing God and His truth through the Bible.  The passage in 1 John says that we must test the spirits, but if we don’t have a standard to which we compare these spirits to, how can we know if they are of the world or of God?  Maybe that’s why there are so many “gray” areas in morality, where people say “What’s true for you may not me true for me”.  That’s not truth then.  Truth is something that is defined as always right, not just sometimes right depending on the person.  And if God is truth defined, then God is the standard we must compare every other “truth” to.  If we don’t know God, how can we test the spirits?  I am challenged. 

So many times during the day, I find myself needing to test the spirits.  Many times, the results of these tests are blatanly obvious, and yet I find myself leaning towards these influences that are of the world.  Yet in my heart, I am trying to fight to love God, and love people through all that I do. 

Thank you Lord for grace. 

This Thing Called Grace

Grace is all God and none of me.  Grace has nothing to do with what I have done or achieved, but it is a gift given by God.  Grace is when God intervenes in your life as you are about to sin, but provides a way out.  Grace is God using you even in all your weaknesses, your selfishness, your inability to love, your lack of desire to give your all.  Grace is the strength God gives you to wake up, pray, desire for more of Him.  Grace is the hunger God gives you for more of Him, a hunger for something to fill you and satisfy you infinitly more than any other pleasures found on this earth.  Grace is answered prayers, desperate spirits, broken hearts, all wrapped up in His arms of love.  Grace is us not getting what we deserved, but instead getting something we would never ever deserve.   

This thing called grace is what carries me every day, even if I don’t notice it. 

Power of Gratitude

One of our family friends had two daughters.  One of them is a freshman in high school, and one of them was eight.  I remember playing with the oldest one when we were both young; she was like my little sister.  We’d play in her 3 room apartment as our parents eat dinner outside in the dining room.  We’d watch barney videos and play hide and seek in her closets: they seemed so big at the time.  When her sister was born, we were all so happy for their family.  They moved into a bigger apartment to accommodate their new addition. 

Fast forward a few years.  We had moved to New Jersey and the younger one was 3-4 years old.  I still remember her crawling around on my couch, mewing like a cat, amusing herself.  She was a shy little girl, unlike her sister, but still cute.  Our families were happy; my parents had bought a new house, her mom just got her PhD.  But then the shocker came: the little one had leukemia. 

Leukemia?  She’s 4 years old God.  How can she get leukemia?  Isn’t cancer for old people with a bad immune system? 

We’ve lost touch over the past few years, even though we live in neighboring states.  Her parents were dealing with this situation, my parents wanted to help, but they didn’t want to accept God.  It’s understandable, isn’t it?  Who’d want to accept a God that gave their little girl monsters in her blood? 

She died this past Friday.  She was 8.  I know, I know, little children die every second in other countries, but when it’s someone you know, it’s different isn’t it?  Suddenly death becomes real, and answering the justice, fairness, mercy of God becomes difficult.  Her sister wrote in a note that God mustn’t be real because if He was, He wouldn’t take her sister away from their family. 

I’m a Christian.  I’ve been born again with the Spirit of God.  How am I going to view this situation?  I have to give thanks to God, not because they lost a family member, but because THROUGH this, God will work in their lives.  How difficult it must be to soften their hearts if God had to take away their precious little girl in order to do so.  It’s almost sickening to me to think that this is what it’s come down to.  That God would chose to use such a method to save a couple of people.  Couldn’t He just let them live happily with their daughters, and maybe somewhere down the road, they might believe in Him? 

And what if they didn’t?  Their entire family would be eternally separated from Him?  No, He loved them too much.  He couldn’t bear the thought of these beloved children of His to be separated from Him for eternity.  He knows what it feels like to have a beloved Child taken from Him.  That Child died so that this family may have salvation.  No, God loved them too much to let them live a “happy” life, and let that be it.  He loved them so much, He had to take away one of their flesh and blood in order for them to see it, even though it must’ve pained Him greatly to do so. 

And so I give thanks to God, because He is greater and I, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  His ways are not my ways.  His is greater and His ways save souls.  May God be with them, strengthening them and loving them.  May His peace come upon them, in time, as He comforts their hearts, and as they learn to seek His face. 

Becoming an Imitator

“You became imitators of us and of the Lord…” 1 Thessalonians 1:6. 

In our generation, the LAST thing you’d want to be is an imitator. If you copied someone else, where would your individuality go?  Who would you be but another copy of that obviously far superior person?  But here, Paul says the church of Thessalonica became imitators, and because they first did that, then their faith became known to all of Macedonia and Achaia. 

Because we’ve been taught to “know how we feel”, we do everything based on our emotions or feelings.  If we don’t feel like doing something, then it’s obviously not right.  How many times have you heard one partner say “Well, it just didn’t feel right anymore…”  And so we apply that to God.  We don’t feel like going to church, or serving, or worshiping, so we don’t because if we did, we’d be ingenuine, or worse, legalistic.  But God calls us to be faithful.  He calls us to obey His commandments.  He commands us to serve, to worship, to be part of a church.  Worship isn’t derived from feelings, but rather in doing it, we develop feelings for God. 

Pastor Min said it like this: Imitate, internalize, Model.  First we imitate, like children who imitate their parents while they are young.  Then we internalize; we make it our own.  Finally, we can become a model for others. 

Let’s not be afraid of imitating other older brothers and sisters who you see the joy of Christ in, given by the Holy Spirit.  And let’s not let our feelings get in the way of obeying our God.  Let us persevere in this race that we are in.